Life is Pretty Sh*t Ep01

life-is-template-ep01 (Now you mention it)

We find Tony the fly on a piece of dog turd, trying to eat it with a makeshift knife and fork. Unable to properly use the utensils due to his lack of opposable thumbs or a viable mouth he angrily throws them away and then proceeds to vomit on his piece of poo.

Slowly, as vomit melts excrement and as steam rises Tony the fly reflects on his life and dies a little more inside.

Todd the fly: Tony! Tony! Tony!

Todd the fly buzzes down and lands next to Tony, who shuffles along a little trying to keep his distance from the new comer.  Todd who is generally oblivious to most things and to  emotions in particular  skuttles around in front of Tony blocking his path like a retarded puppy wanting to pee.

Tony: What is it Todd?

Todd: How you doing man? I haven’t seen you for like..

Tony: Two minutes, Todd. It was 2 minutes ago. 2 minutes.

Todd: I know right? Felt like a life time.

Tony: That’s cause we’re flies Todd.

Todd: Dude that is deep.

For some reason both flies have southern Californian accents but Tony the fly appears to spent some time in the Pacific north west or somewhere not California.  I was never good with accents.

Tony: What do you want?

Todd: Nothing. Watcha doing?

Tony: Eating shit. I am literally eating shit.

Todd: Oh my god! That is so cool.

Tony: No Todd, it’s not. It’s shit.

Todd: Yeah but doesn’t that make you feel cool. I mean we’re the ultimate recyclers right? I love being a fly.

Tony: Have you been licking bleach again? Being a fly is possibly the worse thing to be in the entire universe.  We have a life span of literally a couple of days at most. Everyone hates us and is trying to kill us or eat us or fuck us or lay their larvae in us so they can kill us and eat us in no decernable order. Small children like to burn us with magnifying glasses whilst ripping out our legs and making us walk on little stumps or scientists glue us to little aircraft for the sake of science or for a laugh – I still haven’t figured that one out yet and and far as diet we eat decomposing matter and faeces by vomiting our guts out and licking the mixture back up with this thing I don’t know even what’s it called but it sure was ain’t a mouth. For christsake there are stomach bacteria that eat better than we do and they live in the stomach of cows and you say it’s great to be a fly?  Well Fuck you Todd. Fuck you!

Todd: Wow who’s a grumpy little bear then.

Todd playfully rubs Tonys head.

Tony: Fuck off Todd. Fuck off and die.

Tony takes off leaving Todd by himself on the piece of dog poo.

Todd: Is this like a cave thing now? Do I stay here or do you want to talk?

Tony(OS): Die Todd. fucking die!

Todd: Ok then.

Todd: Can I eat this? Are you done?

Continue with the next instalment of Life is Pretty Shit?


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