Life is Pretty Sh*t Ep03


Tony the Fly is sitting on a window looking out through the glass at the vista outside. Unfortunately for Tony he has two compound eyes that are not great for distance nor can he focus so he makes do, imagining instead the deep reds of the rising sun warming his thorax. He looks forlorn even for a fly. Still, barely moving. Barely breathing. Just him and the morning sun.
Slowly he pulls himself together muttering little mantras to build himself up and for a moment it seems like it’s working.

TODD(OS): Tony! Tony!

Tony tries rolling his eyes but instead settles for wobbling his head.

Todd the Fly swoops in super excited. He’s wearing a little party hat and is tooting a party tooter-horn-thing. Or it might just be his proboscis painted with a glitter stick.

TODD: Tony! What’s up fly?

Toot. Toot.

TONY: What do you want Todd?
TONY: Not really.

Slow serious toot that interferes with Tony’s scowl.

TODD: You want to talk about it?
TONY: Not really.
TODD: OK. I just heard this amaaazing joke. You want to hear it?
TONY: Not really.
TODD: Ok it goes like this. How many moths does it take to change a light bulb?
TONY: Fuck off Todd.

Total silence. Todd is shocked. Tony realises he’s being an asshole and is about to apologise…

TODD: Dude. That was soooo rude.
TONY: I’m sorry I’m just a little sensitive this morning.
TODD: Fly. Even if you know the punchline you pretend like you don’t.
TONY: What? What punchline?
TODD: To the joke.
TONY: I don’t understand.
TODD: Don’t just step in with the punchline. There wasn’t even a pause between layup and the dunk.
TONY: I literally have no idea what you’re saying.
TODD: Joke – How many moths does it take to change a light bulb? Fuck off Todd.

Todd laughs so hard bubbles appear around his eyes. Tony is not amused.

TONY: Did the moths tell you that joke?
TODD (Still Laughing): How did you know that? Did they tell you that same joke? I mean … I didn’t get it at first… but they were pissing themselves so hard I thought it must’ve been funny and then … I thought who do I know that could do with cheering up?… So I went looking for someone to tell the joke to…but instead I found you.

Todd starts to squeal like a girl as he laughs. He struggles to stand upright and leans against Tony for support.

TODD: I’m sorry. I’m only kidding.

Todd wipes the tears away from his eyes and tries to calm down.

TODD: or am I?

He takes one look at Tony’s incredulous face and bursts out into fits of laughter again.

TONY: Are you drunk?
TODD: I was…I am… Fuck it! Yes. Where were you man? I invited you. What the fuck happened?
TONY: I wasn’t in the mood.
TODD: Soooo… You come out and we get you in the mood. You’re a miserable bastard. You know that?
TONY: I just found out that I’ve got more than 2 days to live.

Todd stops in his tracks the laughter dies almost instantly. Todd isn’t a complete moron. Not completely.

TODD: What?
TONY: Yeah. When I said flies live for two days. I was wrong. Apparently I could have anywhere from 3 days to 28.

Long pause.

TODD: So you don’t have ass cancer then?
TONY: I don’t have ass cancer Todd.
TODD: So you’re in remission.
TONY: No Todd I don’t have ass cancer.
TODD: Did you ever have ass cancer?
TONY: What is this obsession with ass cancer?
TODD: Well we just assumed that you had ass cancer.
TONY: Why?
TODD: I don’t know. Someone started a rumour and I guess we forgot that we started it and just assumed that you actually had it. To be fair you act like someone with ass cancer.
TONY: That makes no fucking sense.
TODD: You sure you don’t have ass cancer?
TODD: Jesus you know how to kill a flies buzz.

Something unusual starts to happen in Todd’s brain. Synapses begin to fire.

TODD: So you’re an ordinary fly. Except you’re a grumpy asshole?
TONY: Er Yes. Except…
TODD: Except you’re not supposed to be here and are being punished for something.
TONY: How?…
TODD: Ignore it. It’s the universe fucking with you.

Tony is genuinely amazed.

And a little confused.

Back to TODD and he’s having another thought.

TODD: Hang on… If that means you don’t have ass cancer does that mean we don’t have ass cancer.
TONY: What?
TODD: We also forgot who it was we said had the cancer in the first place so we assumed we all had it.
TONY: Why would you think that?
TODD: We’re fucking flies man. Tiny little brains. Jesus.

Todd thinks some more.

TODD: So we’re all cured. No one has cancer of any kind. And we’re going to live for 28 days?

A smile begins to form.

TODD: That’s so cool. We gotta have a party. Wait till the boys hear about this. We’re going to have a par-tee. Meet you at the apple by the dog vomit in ten. And don’t wuss out.

Todd takes off as ecstatic as can be, stops in mid air reverses direction and zooms back popping his party hat onto Tony’s head. He does the fly equivalent of winking then takes off again singing…

TODD: Don’t stop…believing…


A fly swatter ends Todd’s plans and sends Todd’s broken carcass to the window sill.

For a moment nothing.


TODD: TONY! Tony! Look at me I’m breakdancing.

Continue with the next instalment of Life is Pretty Shit?


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