Life is Pretty Sh*t – Ep06

life is ep06

Episode 05

Tony and Todd run out of the restaurant at full speed.
Tony is petrified and sweating as much as a fly can.
Todd has a stupid after sex grin on his face.
The two are being chased by something large, hairy with eight legs and a multitude of eyes.

Tony:Left!

Todd goes right.

Tony: No! Your other left.

Tony snaps back into things and dives into the crevice that Tony is disappearing into.
The large lumbering creature skids past the hole then doubles back and howls at the crack whilst trying to dig the two flies out.

Todd: You think if I talk with her it’ll make a difference?
Tony: (Breathing heavily)I’m… thinking… no.
Todd: Sure I’ll just go out and sweet talk her.
Tony: (Still out of breath) That’s… how we’re in this …mess in ….the …first place.
Todd: No I think you will find that those fake legs you sewed for me is what got us into this mess.
Tony: (catching his breath now) How… is this my fault?
Todd: Shoddy needle work my friend.
Tony: Shoddy plan. (Deep Breath) How did you possibly think that dressing up as a spider was a good idea?
Todd: To have sex with a sexy spider I had to dress like a sexy spider.
Tony: But she’s a spider.
Todd: With a massive.
Tony: mouth.
Todd: That too.
Tony: If you had told me that Shaniqua was a giant fly eating spider I may have declined your offer of diner.How do I let you talk me into these things?

Tony manages all that then has to take a massive deep breath.

Todd: let me count the ways. You can’t hold your liquor, you’re horny and when drunk you make really stupid plans.
Tony: What?
Todd: The legs thing was your plan.
Tony: What?
Todd: I know (pretending to be Tony drunk) I’ll make you some fake legs. I’ll only have to do two. In a past life I was a Hollywood actress who once played a seamstress.

Outside a panicky spotty young waiter cautiously approaches the spider.

Tony: and how is it I am still out of breath when you’ve just Eaten the biggest meal imaginable, had sex with a giant black spider, started a bar fight with a two transexual wood lice who turned out not to be transsexual just really butch sisters and are now being hunted by the aforementioned giant black spider and probably two female wood lice with workmanlike hands.

Outside the Shaniqua the giant fly eating spider, bites the head of the waiter leaving a body most perplexed at loosing it’s head.

Todd: I eat properly.
Tony: You eat shit.
Todd: Exactly. We’re flies. And on the subject of flies. Why didn’t we just fly away?

Some patrons out of the resturants try to bypass Shaniqua but she eats them too.

Tony: I was running because you were running.
Todd: and I was running because you were running.

The two look at each other. Then crack up.

Todd: I thought you were the smart one.
Tony: Yeah me too.

Outside the crack behind the giant spider a moustachioed earwig waiter, the head waiter, politely approaches with a tiny teatowel draped over over an arm that’s carrying the resturants bill.

Waiter: Pardon me Madam.

The spider spins around at the little waiter who merely wipes off the spittle she’s just flung off and repeats the question.

Waiter: Pardon me madam. Le Bill.

The spider takes the bill and unfolds it. It looks tiny in her giant claws. She inspects the bill as Tony and Todd make a move to escape.

Todd: You know I think she likes me?
Tony: She’s trying to eat you.
Todd: Yeah I know. Its kinda cute. You know what I mean? That someone wants to be with you so much that she just wants to bite your head off and feed you to your kids. Too bad I’m a rambling man.
Tony: What?

Todd: Settling down ain’t for me.
Tony: Can we just get out of this without ending up as someone’s plate of odeurves?
Todd:Come on fly, let me enjoy the moment.
Tony: Todd!

Todd follows Tony as the plucky little fly creep around the back of Shaniqua.

As they slowly edge their way around the situation the giant spider sees something she doesn’t like on the bill.

Spider: There seems to be an error here. We didn’t order the wine.
Waiter: Pardon me madam let me have quick peak at that item.

The waiter pops a pair of reading glasses on and finds the item and nods. he removes the glasses and turns his attention back to the Spider.

Todd: Come on. Don’t you feel the love? What about you? With what’s her name.
Tony: Penny.
Todd: Yeah penny. Fly, she was sending you signals.
Tony: You think?
Todd: Definately. She was deffinately into you. And you know if you squinted real hard she was kinda cute in a skin and bone kinda way. But I would.

Shaniqua and the waiter are arguing over the bill but we can’t really hear what they are saying.

Tony: and you would fuck mud.
Todd: Its funny cause its true… And I have.
Tony: She was nice.Penny. I really liked her. Had a great connection. Too bad shaniqua ate her.
Todd: Yeah. I thought things were going really well up to that point.
Tony: Except for you and Shaniqua fucking on the table.
Todd: Ah come on! Don’t be such a prude.
Tony: I was eating.
Todd: So?
Tony: And you were fucking right in front of us.
Todd: And?
Tony: In my soup!
Todd: As I said. Prude. Still don’t know why you didn’t join in.

Shaniqua has had enough she gobbles the waiter down in one gulp and goes back to the crack.

Todd: See Tony. She’s crazy about me. Can’t stop thinking about me.

Todd starts back only Tony restrains him

Todd: Come on. This may be my own special moment.

Shaniqua 😦 speaking to the hole) Todd honey come on out. I think we work things out. So what if you’re a fly. I don’t care what people say. I love you and I promise not to eat all your head.

Todd: (To Tony) oh that’s done it. I’m off. She said the “L” word. … On the first date. That’s like calling someone in the morning when you say you’re going to call them. You never call them in the morning. Two days. That’s fly days admittedly but two days. Maybe three. And you never say the “L” word on the first date. Even if you’re a fly and we only live for 28 days. She’s crazy man.

Tony’s left standing mouth open as Todd flies off. Stuck to Shaniqua admittedly large posterior is an half eaten short sighted skinny fly – Tony’s date, Penny.

Tony makes the universal hand sign for call me and then flies off.

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