Top 10 Things Cinema Ushers Don’t want you to know – A Comedy Short

Coin-Op Theatre Presents A short film by Malcolm E. Klektic Esq.

We love going to the cinema. The thrill of watching the latest blockbusters in a darkened room full of strangers with strange diseases. and an excuse to slip your penis into a box of popcorn and feel the warm truffle butter grease your hotdog as strangers get the surprise of their life when you offer them a handful your popcorn.

But there’s a darker side to the cinema, a side that the industry at large is trying to keep secret. Well ten secrets I fact and today we’re going to blow the lid of the lot of them.

I’m Barry at what vulture dot com and this is the top ten things cinema ushers don’t want options to know.

Warning – Bad Language

Music from https://www.bensound.com/royalty-free-music

 

Transcript/Shooting Script

We love going to the cinema. The thrill of watching the latest blockbusters in a darkened room full of strangers with strange diseases. and an excuse to slip your penis into a box of popcorn and feel the warm truffle butter grease your hotdog as strangers get the surprise of their life when you offer them a handful your popcorn.

But there’s a darker side to the cinema, a side that the industry at large is trying to keep secret. Well ten secrets I fact and today we’re going to blow the lid of the lot of them.

I’m Barry at what vulture dot com and this is the top ten things cinema ushers don’t want options to know.

 

Number 1. Hot Air! The aircon is turned up at least 10% hotter than is comfortable to make you drink more. If you ask us to turn it down we will lie and said we did. Chances are we probably turned it up. Sometimes we turn the heating all the way down just to fuck with you. I
Number 2. Salt in everything! The popcorn contains salt to make you eat more. Salt as you know makes you thirsty. This is proven by science fact. This combines with the increased temperature in the auditoria allows us to suck you dry of a few more pennies by using your own body to betray itself.
Number 3. 2 hours of trailers! We know you’re going to arrive ten minutes late no matter what time we tell you. So that’s why there’s adverts. Each of t hose adverts contain subliminal messages telling you to consume more. Don’t believe us. Next time you’re in a cinema take a video of the screen and play it back in slowmo
Number 4. Recording films is illegal! We get money for identifying people recording the movie screen. Rewards start from £1000 and a years supply of yogurt to stepping up a rung in the international lizard empire that secretly runs the galaxy.
Number 5. All trailers are in fact the same! Trailer are created by an algorithm. that’s why you keep hearing the same music. Remember the kettle drums and horns of Prometheus? This year it’s all about the gentle sung pop song sung in an ironic manor against horrific images of war and violence. And that’s just the kids films..
Number 6. The customer is not always right! You are an idiot and we hate you! It’s not just an act. That look on our face is abject disdain and we have detailed records to prove you are a drain on humanity. For example. You remember those extra large popcorns and drinks you used to buy then saw super sized me and realised you were crushing your heart with fat and gristle so you down sized happy in the deluded belief that you had done your bit for obesity and would.live a few minutes longer. Well. In reality. We just changed the names. So your large is really the old XXL. We didn’t even change the prices. Idiots
Number 7. Annoying audience! You know those people who bring in their boil in the bag teriyaki that smells like it’s partially decomposed or munch open mouth loud snack wrapped in improbably loud crisps packets. Those people bring their food in that sit next to you and ruin the film are part of the world wide Jewish banking conspiracy designed to raise your blood pressure causing you to buy more heart medicine therefore increasing the stock price of big pharma further enslaving you.
Number 8. We know what really happened to JFK! Originally toast was cut into rectangles never triangles. This was to honour the heroes of the American Revolution and therefore name soldiers. The worldwide gangster computer god didn’t like this and hatched a plan to eliminate all resistance to his Frankenstein’s headset world wide puppet underlings and it would start with toast. JFK being the patriot he was was in the process and enshrining into law an amendment that would ensure that all toast would be cut square in the traditional manor. After his assassination by a “lone gun man” toast rapidly began to be cut into triangles the well known symbol of the Illuminati to remind us that all resistance is futile.
Number 10. Rubbish Etiquette! We love it when you leave your shit all over the floor. We particularly love it when you smear your nacho cheese and mucus membranes fetal matter on the seats. Baby nappies, soiled underwear and human faeces are all recycled using a hydroxide vinegar solution to create the various condiments that appear to be ketchup, mustard mayo and BBQ sauce but are deliberately not labelled as such to avoid lawsuits.
Number 11. Mind control and anal hacking! Ever come out of a movie and wonder just what the fuck you have watched. Left the Fast and Furious and completely forgot what just happened resorting to watch YouTube videos to tell what just happened and how.you feel about it. Well it’s all part of the plan. At a predetermined point of the movie sleeping gas is pumped into the room sending the audience into a semi comatosed state. Scientists then enter the auditorium and take samples and perform various experments mostly involving pushing increasingly larger items into your rectum , the purpose of this remains a mystery to all but the higher levels of the Illuminati. We then remove ourselves from the screen and you are awakened by a key phrase or a picture of Melissa McCathy. Why else would we put her In everything.

And there you have it another true and factual top ten list. If you like our channel please hit the like button below and subscribe. Donate something via patron. Send us a slice of pizza or sacrifice your first born heir in the name of the dark lord beelzebub

Warning this video is intended as parody and satire and is meant in no way to be interpreted as truth. Or is it?

Big kisses. We love you.

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