Journal Extract – I can’t write

March 1st 2020

I’ve lost the feeling that enables me to write. I let it get cold. Got distracted. Forgot that I have to spend every day at the keyboard to at least get the fingers working.

Work doesn’t count. I meant writing. Actually creating. I am like a cat at times, easily distracted, too prone to jumping form one thing to the next. Remember you must focus. The only way you get good is to focus. Distractions shouldn’t become all consuming. Remember why you exist. What you live for. Exercise those fingers and the delicate connections between thoughts and action. Remember the routine.

You are writing a film that you will shoot. It must be something you can shoot. Nothing too wild and outlandish. You have the story. It has holes. Stay focused. You need a deadline. This is a new month. Have the first draft done by the end of the month. That will take you to may. Time is running out.

It is good that you are learning to play guitar again. Good that you are learning to play piano and read music. These are all good things. Keep it up. But don’t let these things become obsession. Your true obsession is here. Don’t fall now when we are so very close.

The Diary needs your attention. The script needs your attention. You need to get back into a regular routine.

Your vlog. Babylon Undead and the Diary and the this film. Man you keep doing this – spreading yourself out. It’s too much if you don’t manage it and you are not managing it.

Then there’s the job.

oh boy.

We need a new day job. This one has got stale and it’s affecting us now here at home and at play.

A*** died a few weeks ago and Friday just gone I went to the remembrance. D***’s eyes haunt me.

Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved was full of shit. That’s when it really hit me. Seeing D***.

Fuck me man.

It all goes so quick.

I’m just sitting here, listening to the drum in the washing machine spin and vibrate. The house hums with it’s motor. A deep piercing throb.

Maybe z*** was right. Maybe it’s not just my cat like nature. Maybe I do just keep the plates spinning just so I don’t have to deal with cleaning them.

I don’t know. Jack of all trades, master of none that’s what the Duchess used to say. Polymath I say. Still some truth in there. Mostly I think its because I want to try everything. The last few days I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to do anything anymore. Want to down tools and give up. Give in the
If you let it.

don’t let it.

Once a day. Every day. 1 hour. Lets aim for one lousy hour and go from there.

Today was a start.

We need something better to write on perhaps. Perhaps you’re making excuses. Maybe I am . Maybe I am.

Remember what work is for. It is there to provide you with the tools you need to create. The downtime at work is not for them. It is for you. work on the film. don’t waste you time on youtube and the like when you get back in. Leave that and the audio books for when you are out. You remember how you used the bike ride and the audio book together. Finish the handmaiden. You have Zoe’s book to read next. You remember how much you liked to read. Don’t make it a chore. Slow down and breathe. Organise yourself. Organise your life around you own crazy. Make it work for you. Make it work for you. Slow down and unlearn mistakes. Slow down and get it right. Don’t forget the first draft is called a vomit pass. If you are stuck remember the cards. Don’t go back at this stage. The danger is ending up in an infinite loop. Don’t do it. Just get it down. Then edit. Use the critic within to pull your story apart. You can redo the beginning then. If it is still appealing then it will still be there and if it’s not then it wasn’t such a great idea. End of march. End of March.

First thing. No TV. Just write. This is your time. One hour.

Last thing at night. Edit.

Podcast. Finish the podcast before work. If I had a laptop? Pfft.

Ok lets get to work.

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